My original plan for today was to go to a baseball game with my daughter and a friend. But it started going against her plans, and her friend's plan, and the team mentally checked out for the season a few weeks ago, so I gave the tickets away. And yeah-- we lost, again.
At home, the day was weird. I wrote the poem I planned, Justify, still trying to convince myself that not wanting to deal with the whole rat race and traditional employment is not a bad thing. I do like freelancing, but keeping up writing full time is hard. You have to build endurance, physically and mentally.
I wrote the poem and posted it, watched views come in, but not comments. I didn't think it was quite as good as the one from last week, Ghost. It certainly didn't have the same mystically quality. But I try not to be a one trick pony with my poems. This was also a little longer, which may have pulled some away. Who knows?
But I started to take it personally, which I know better. I started doubting myself, my brave front came crumbling down and I had one of those good cried I probably really needed to have. I also made some yummy chicken thing in the crock pot, did a couple loads of laundry, got a short article done, even though I had planned on taking the day off, and even fit in a short workout, and now I feel better about tomorrow.
I need to take time to take care of myself, be more healthy. I need to stop and shed the brave front sometimes, and just drop everything for a day or two. Maybe I won't have to fight nervous energy while I am writing as if it were a current going in the wrong direction. There are voices that say I can do this, and voices that say I can't. The voices that say I can't really aren't giving me any viable alternative, so they'll just have to sit back and be quiet while I work.
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